Marriage

Ours is not a conventional marriage, if it were it never would have lasted, never would have happened in the first place, I’m too weird, you’re too weird, we don’t easily fit into standard shapes.

But we’ve been together over 10 years now and married for almost 5 and over this time I’ve only fallen for you deeper, only loved you more passionately, only come to know down to the marrow in my bones that I want to spend the rest of my existence in partnership with you.

I don’t often write about my love for you, why is that? Perhaps because I feel self-conscious, we coexist in such harmony that speaking aloud about it makes me concerned that I might come across as smug and self-satisfied but how ridiculous is that? The world needs more beauty and love and kindness and our relationship has those things in spades so maybe I should speak up about it just a little more. Here, I’ll try.

You are my rock. You have been there, unwaveringly there through the hardest, darkest stretches of my life, through my deepest depressions and most violent of traumas and instead of perceiving me as weak or broken, you have seen my battles and only loved me more for the ways in which I silently struggle onwards.

You are my friend. We passionately rant at each other about the things that make us mad, we excitedly ramble about the things which excite and thrill us. We do stupid dances and tell moronic jokes like giggly, puerile five-year-olds. I tell you all my secrets, my wildest dreams, my deepest fears and you hold them like gemstones.

You are my lover. In a relationship of 10 years long, sex is something which ebbs and flows and changes over time but what has remained consistent is the fact that I find you absurdly, ridiculously sexy and it delights me that we have a physical connection and attraction which I suspect might persist long after our bodies have wrinkled and sagged. Also, you have a big dick so that’s pretty cool.

You are my collaborator. We make art and comedy together of which we are so incredibly proud and driven by. You understand how fundamentally important my art is to me and have only ever supported me as a creative, never once questioning my priorities.

You are my conscience. You are one of the most deeply principled people that I know and because of that, it is hard for me to get away with bullshit, you are like a mirror held up to me with compassion, you make me want to do better, be better. You stand by what you believe and it motivates me to do the same.

You are so smart, so strong, so strange, so sexy. You are my husband and my partner and that gives me a sense of security in the world but it never feels like a cage. With you I am free to be entirely myself, to express and inhabit every aspect of the things that are important to me. With you I am held, with you I am loved, with you I am free.

I love the shape of the life we’ve made for ourselves, I love the rules we wrote for ourselves, I love you, you bald, lanky, beautiful idiot.