Category: Journal

My Little Trauma

25 March 2019

Some memories spoil other memories. My last memories of you have tarnished all the ones that came before. Even after all this time, the recollections that should be fond are quickly followed by that sick feeling I had when I was so utterly alone, broken and vulnerable with you lying right beside me. I don’t […]

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Face and Body

1 March 2019

As much as I possibly can, I am invested in avoiding the industries and cultures that cultivate dissatisfaction with one’s physicality and mortality. When I was 16, I remember I had already absorbed the message that in this barely blossomed youth, I was at the peak of my desirability. I clearly remember feeling like it […]

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18 February 2019

Why does it make me so anxious to be still? Is it our crowded culture of constant competition? Yes but also. It’s that I don’t want to be back there, isn’t it? Back then. Back when. Small. Silent. An ugly, isolated, unhappy little monster, sobbing and sniffing aerosol spray in the hopes that she might […]

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Grateful Growth

18 February 2019

So I’ve been having a really bad pain flare during this week just passed but I’ve been in very good spirits. Why? Because I’ve realised that these horrible pain flares are now relatively rare, only happening a couple of times a month and this one’s only lasted six days now. They used to happen all […]

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Humiliating Need

17 February 2019

(Content warning, this writing contains a description of sexual activities done within the context of a D/s relationship where a dynamic of consensual non-consent has been mutually and enthusiastically agreed to.) What is the feeling I had last night? You forcibly held my legs open and put your tongue to my clit. You know how […]

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Apocalypse Soon

10 February 2019

I’m busy trying to get rich and famous before the world ends. I’m frantically trying to figure out how to make a living while countries freeze, flood or burn and species die in the hundreds of thousands. I’m wondering what the hell is the point of art if we’re all going to die. I’m wondering […]

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Empathy and Boundary

5 February 2019

Empathetic me, I’m still learning to be boundaried to prevent the scurvy of compassion fatigue. When do I tune in to the pain of the world? At what frequency? For how long? How do I keep my heart open? Radically open? How do I listen to the screams and needs without drowning out my own? […]

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29 December 2018

  Hey weirdo hey queer ho taking stock of microscopic aggression and holding on to little old hurts ya mum calls out “suck in that gut” ya chum writes down “I’m feeling a lot of concern about your interest in BDSM” fellow feminist scowls “you’re exploiting yourself by making porn” your in law’s eyes roll […]

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Intergenerational Trauma

22 December 2018

I’ve been thinking a lot about intergenerational trauma. Like how someone might be abusive because his father was abusive because HIS father had untreated PTSD from going to war as a teenager. Then I think, as I often have, about how a privileged person might look at a population of indigenous people and wonder why […]

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2019 Will Be Beautiful

21 December 2018

At the start of the year, I made a Spotify playlist called “2018 will be magic”. It was a desire, a decision, a hope. 2017 was a year of trauma, of mental health collapse, of emotional abuse, of the worst sort of suicidal ideation, of conflict, of loss, of feeling the pain was forever and […]

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