Category: Journal

Our Tangled Roots

8 December 2018

I’m learning on the fly how to hold the pieces of myself together. It’s a skill I’ve never been good at before, I’ve so often crumbled, wilted, broken down, melted down. But now I know it isn’t just about me, now I know the ways in which the architecture of myself is interlocked with the […]

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I Wish

4 November 2018

I wish I could travel back in time. Back to when you were wide eyed and tiny, back before the world had you so badly battered and bruised. I wish I could hold you in my arms, kiss your sweet forehead, stroke your soft hair and tell you that you’re safe. I wish I could […]

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No Feeling Is Final

3 November 2018

There have been many times in my life when I have hovered on the edge of my own existence but the closest call I ever had was last year. I was in New York and in the depths of shame and despair, I was only seconds away from jumping in front of an incoming train. […]

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Right to Exist

18 October 2018

When you have a disability and suffer from chronic pain, sometimes your achievements will be weaponised; “You could handle making a web series so you could handle having a job.” In fact, I can see how it must look from the outside, when I walk into social engagements bursting with energy, when my artistic output […]

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Pain is Not a Punishment

15 October 2018

My psychologist says that my pain is a trigger for me. He’s right. It happens when my arms and neck burn for weeks with neuropathic pain like hot needle pricks bubbling and fizzing ceaseless and seizing up my muscles so my hands grow tight and numb. This is when I start the stories about blame […]

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Lost Time

3 September 2018

I’ve been trying to make up for lost time, haven’t I? I’ve been trying to play catch up in a race that is rigged by forces beyond my control and perhaps exists only in my head. A competition between myself and imaginary rivals with doubters and detractors watching from the sidelines. “I told you so” […]

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a little less

24 August 2018

(Note: This was written for a desktop and formats badly on a mobile phone.) Maybe I could try a little harder to be a little less suck in that gut pin up that skin oil those surgery scars but the makeup can’t conceal the way recent trauma aged me and I can’t always avoid eye-contact […]

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First Feelings

11 August 2018

Just around this time last year, my husband Wes whisked me away in an aeroplane for an emergency holiday in Bali. I say “emergency” because that is how it felt to him, digging deep into his tax return, he flew me to a place that was tropical and vibrant as a means of emotional resuscitation, […]

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Watch the stars – we navigate points of light in the dark

11 August 2018

My incredible friend Tawhanga wrote a beautiful piece here that I highly recommend reading. Tawhanga and I went to art school together, Waiariki Insitute of Technology in Aotearoa and Tawhanga is one of the people dearest to my heart and art. Here’s a quote that I almost gave a standing ovation, despite reading it alone in […]

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“I love you” words

24 July 2018

How did we get here? Like you’re a stranger I always knew or actually I think I always imagined you but now you’re here and I can touch you and I keep thinking maybe I’m making you up but the details are so much more than my notions and daydreams and longings. I never thought […]

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