Category: Journal

Grey Matters

24 May 2018

The other night I had a dream where I pity fucked an awkward, unattractive man from Instagram who then proceeded to stalk me through a jungle. We wound up in a KFC together where I ordered a fish burger which he fucked into my cunt. He then lifted me into a curled up ball in […]

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Marriage

16 May 2018

Ours is not a conventional marriage, if it were it never would have lasted, never would have happened in the first place, I’m too weird, you’re too weird, we don’t easily fit into standard shapes. But we’ve been together over 10 years now and married for almost 5 and over this time I’ve only fallen […]

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Tonight

7 May 2018

Tonight I am wallowing in a psychological rut. Letting go is so much easier when you’re moving forward, it’s this reality of my physicality that forces me to be still until the pain decreases. If the pain decreases. God it takes so long and the surgery has caused new issues that at least are not […]

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New

28 April 2018

Unfolding. I am unfurling. The look in your eyes tells me that can I continue to do so, that you approve, that I am safe. Your words are enthusiastic consent for me to keep on going with this showing of myself to yourself. You tell me I am beautiful and brave. The second compliment means […]

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Slut

27 April 2018

My name is Jessie and I am a slut. I own this identity so that it cannot be thrown against me as a weapon, though of course it still will. I own this identity because it feels like a bold sort of defiance, a refusal to sit down, to be quiet and to close my […]

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That Cripple Girl

21 March 2018

“I just don’t want people to think of you as that cripple girl.” A lover said to me as we lay in bed together, he was questioning why I regularly wrote on social media about my experiences with my thoracic outlet syndrome. Later in our relationship, he begun to accuse me of whingeing and playing […]

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babe I’ve got you

24 February 2018

(Last year, the wind spraying my face with water from the cold pacific ocean and inspired by one of my favourite songs, Asido by Purity Ring, I wrote a song in my head which is something I often do, even though I don’t know how to make music and have no particular talent for it. […]

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A lazy form of grief

24 February 2018

I’ve been listening to Tara Brach’s incredible three part series of talks “Freedom From Othering: Undoing the Myths that Imprison Us”. In part 2, she quotes a line from a Nicole Kidman movie that made me feel like I was being punched in the chest. “Vengeance is a lazy form of grief.” Brach suggested that […]

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Good News

19 February 2018

(This is cross-posted from my Instagram where I have been most active lately. It’s not a poetically written post but it contains happy news about my thoracic outlet syndrome and I think this blog needs a bit of that.) Succinctness will never be my talent but my health stuff is going amazingly well and so […]

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Suicide and Love

14 December 2017

(Trigger warning for discussion of suicide and disability, this is actually a positive post but it’s still very intensely emotional stuff.) Earlier this year, I stood on the edge of a train platform in New York City and nearly jumped. I had been struggling with suicidal ideation for the last two years, my chronic pain […]

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